For example, they may ask to borrow money and lie about what they intend to use it for. Enablers are individuals who may, knowingly or unknowingly, help a person continue their substance abuse behaviors. While an enabler may think that they are acting in the best interest of their loved one, this can often create a an enabler is someone who mutually destructive relationship dynamic that furthers the cycle of addiction.
When you engage in enabling behaviors, you may find that the bulk of your time and energy is focused on the other person. This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside. By downplaying the seriousness of the situation, the enabler avoids facing uncomfortable truths, but this denial only allows the harmful behavior to continue unchecked. In the denial stage of enabling, the enabler tries to downplay or deny that there is a problem or that their actions are potentially harmful and unhealthy. This not only allows the harmful behavior to continue but also creates stress, guilt, and resentment for the parent, trapping both in an unhealthy cycle. There are some times where it’s wisest to get as far away from the situation as you can (if your safety is at risk, for example).
What is an enabler? Behavior examples:
You need to be in a healthy place to properly support a person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Many addicts deny they have a problem with drugs or alcohol. It’s common for enablers to also deny that someone they care about has a problem until things get too bad or they’ve finally had enough.
Lifestyle
When an enabler stops enabling, the person with an alcohol or drug addiction may have an easier time seeking help. Fortunately, treatment programs are available when they’re ready to change. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either.
Support
If you or your loved one crosses a boundary you’ve expressed and there are no consequences, they might keep crossing that boundary. But by not acknowledging the problem, you can encourage it, even if you really want it to stop. Denying the issue can create challenges for you and your loved one. Even though it’s starting to affect your emotional well-being, you even tell yourself it’s not abuse because they’re not really themselves when they’ve been drinking.
Why Do People Enable Bad Behavior?
It’s easier to understand what an enabler is than to recognize the signs of enabling bad behavior. But identifying the latter is necessary to stop doing it and to help a person overcome their problem. The basic meaning of an enabler is an individual who empowers or provides support to another person so they can continue with harmful activities such as drug or alcohol use. The enabler may be trying to protect the person with the substance use disorder, but what they’re really doing is maintaining an unhealthy status quo. Full of good intentions, they help someone with a substance use disorder (SUD) in various ways. They are the ones who call the office and say that their spouse has a 24-hour virus when in reality, they’re still sleeping off a bender.
Tell your loved one that you are there to help in a positive way, but you will not be covering up for them anymore. If they want your help, they will need to be open and honest about their addiction with themself and others. Recognize when this happens and make self-care a priority so you can be there to continue providing support as needed. After an enabler stops denying there is a problem, they may choose to avoid addressing it because they hope or think it will go away on its own. Ignoring it is much easier than confronting the issue and causing any conflicts.
This is particularly the case if the funds you’re providing are supporting potentially harmful behaviors like substance use or gambling. Sometimes it may mean lending a financial hand to those you love. However, if you find yourself constantly covering their deficit, you might be engaging in enabling behaviors. The first step in trying to support someone without enabling them is to acknowledge the things you have done that might have allowed the other person to continue their destructive behaviors. An overprotective parent may become an enabler when they allow their child, even an adult child, to neglect responsibilities or continue doing things that are harmful to them. In the compliance stage, the enabler tries to comply or accommodate the other person’s destructive behaviors.
How Do I Know If I Am Enabling Someone?
- Last year I attended a lecture by the legendary behavior change expert, Dr. James Prochaska, at the Harvard Institute for Lifestyle Medicine.
- Whether your loved one continues to drink to the point of blacking out or regularly takes money out of your wallet, your first instinct might be to confront them.
- Licensed medical professionals review material we publish on our site.
- For example, they may ask to borrow money and lie about what they intend to use it for.
- You need to be in a healthy place to properly support a person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol.
But if your help allows your loved one to have an easier time continuing a problematic pattern of behavior, you may be enabling them. This term can be stigmatizing since there’s often negative judgment attached to it. However, many people who enable others don’t do so intentionally. It can be difficult to say no when someone we care about asks for our help, even if that “help” could cause more harm than good.
Setting boundaries is important in showing someone what you will and will not tolerate, holding them accountable, and avoiding the encouragement of destructive behaviors. For example, a parent who has been covering for their adult child’s substance use may suddenly face the reality when the child gets arrested or loses their job. This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue. Protecting enabling involves shielding the other person from the consequences of their actions. This might look like covering up their behaviors or lying to protect them. For example, a narcissistic enabler might protect a narcissist from facing the consequences of their actions.
Sometimes this causes a conflict, while other times they finally decide to stop giving support. The harmful activity doesn’t need to be related to substance use, although addiction is one of the most common themes for enabling someone. Unfortunately, we don’t always recognize bad behavior or understand the severity of the problem until it’s too late. Rather than helping them understand the consequences of their actions, you’re letting them get away with it. This makes them feel it’s okay if they get in trouble because you’ll be there to bail them out.
There are rehab and detox programs for them when they’re ready to change. An intervention can be a good way to help them understand their problems. You may also consider talking with your friends and family, so you don’t have to do it alone. When they ask, you give them money without asking how they’ll use it.
- They’ll do things like make excuses to keep up appearances.
- If you are the enabler in your loved one’s life, you have to make a change.
- This robs the individual of the incentive to become self-reliant or face consequences.
- When an enabler supports or encourages someone to be involved in harmful actions, they get so focused on their needs that they tend to ignore their personal needs.
- Despite well-meaning intentions, being an enabler means to help another person avoid the negative consequences of their actions so they can continue with the unhealthy behavior.
- Even though we might have the best of intentions, we need to recognize the harm we’re causing and take steps to break the cycle—for the person’s own good as well as our own.
Enabling someone doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior. You might simply try to help your loved one out because you’re worried about them or afraid their actions might hurt them, you, or other family members. Therapists often work with people who find themselves enabling loved ones to help them address these patterns and offer support in more helpful and positive ways. Confronting your loved one can help them realize you don’t support the behavior while also letting them know you’re willing to help them work toward change. Minimizing the issue implies to your loved one that they can continue to treat you similarly with no consequences. People dealing with addiction or other patterns of problematic behavior often say or do hurtful or abusive things.
Interventions are great ways for the entire family to work together to get someone through recovery. An intervention can shine a spotlight on things you and other family members might do to enable substance abuse. It can also show your loved one that he or she has something to live for, and that the addiction affects more than just the individual. But substance misuse is only one context; enabling can happen in any scenario where a person’s harmful conduct goes unaddressed, ignored, or even indirectly supported. If you find yourself constantly making excuses for your loved one’s substance abuse, this is one of the most common signs of enabling.
